She's Baack

***warning - this post may cause concern***

It has been almost a year since I have seen a psychologist.  I have been feeling a little down lately so last week I booked in to see a psychologist to talk to someone. I also haven't been excited about the Europe tour I have booked in for which isn't the best since I have spent a little over $5k on it. I knew something wasn't right so thought it best to speak to someone. 

I saw the psych today and let it rip. About 10 mins in I started crying cause I have realised I am all alone in my head. And in my life. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about my issues cause they seem stupid but they aren't stupid in my one of my minds but in another mind I think it's stupid to be worrying about. It's like my head feels one way but my heart feels another. But it's not even my heart that has the issue it's just me. It hurts sometimes to think and I'm constantly thinking. And it's not even coherent thinking its like all over the place and hurts. 

After talking to the psych about how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking of doing and about self harming whilst I'm away in Europe she has recommended getting a referral to see a psychiatrist to assist in monitoring medication as she believes I should be back on something to assist with my head and well-being. 

Sometimes I think I should self harm. But then I think I should go to the hospital and get admitted cause thinking about harming myself is stupid. But then I think about what they would say at work and I try and figure out if I could maybe just be in the hospital at night? Like maybe I would be allowed day leave to attend work then go back to the ward at night to medicate and be watched. But then I think that's stupid cause why would they let me out of the hospital when work is part of the reason I am not feeling well mentally. And then I think about calling an ambulance to pick me up and take me to a hospital but what would that achieve? I would be in the same boat of rocking up to the hospital and admitting myself.  

That can be plan B. If the psychs cant help (psychologist and psychiatrist) then maybe a whole mental health team could help me. And hopefully this time they don't say I just have anger management issues. 

So that's me so far with my mental health.  Well this bout anyway. I have spoken to my mum and let her know I'm not feeling well and she has suggested looking into the insurance policy I have for the tour and maybe checking if there could be a mental health or medical clause in there that will allow me to postpone the tour till another date if my mental well being does not get sorted or under control any time soon.

Talking to the psychologist today has made me feel a lot worse but I think that's just cause I am having to admit to how I am feeling rather than just pretending like I have been the last few months.