2014

Contiki
Contiki is done and dusted. I loved some of it but other aspects were a little um lets just say I would be happy to forget all about those days and evenings.

Home
Still live with my brother.  Its kinda killing me inside. Attempted to move out but the powers that be have kinda squashed that idea. So here I am still miles away from the city and miles away from sanity :-)

Love
Still single. And I think im actually over trying. It will happen when it happens. Lots of guys think im hot or cute or adorable or sexy but none think im dateable so I'm stuck here :-)

Update

I have realised first hand what happens when I miss 1 dose of my new medication.  Dizziness, nausea, headaches and change in mood amongst other things.  Venlafaxine is something not to be messed with.  This is not something I want to encounter whilst overseas therefore I will be needing to set alarms on my phone to remind me to take my medication.  The dizziness is world spinning the floors moving kind of messed up.  Not something I want to experience again.  Not when the nausea and headaches that come with it occur.  And the changes in mood, lets just say when my brother mentioned that he has purchased a puppy I started crying for about half an hour for no reason. Not cool.

They wont go away

1:17pm 13/12/2013

They say that when you are on medication (antidepressants) you have a period of 'clear thinking' ie all of the anxiety about what decision to make goes away and you start to feel that you are able to make decisions easier.

This doesnt help whilst you mind is still all 'woe is me' like mine is atm (constant headaches cause i think too much)

As of about 12 hours ago, I have sickening thoughts regarding the problems i was facing prior to seeing a psychologist.  Not going to specify but you may get the gist...

Writing this down makes me assume that I am not going to actually carry out any actions I may think of but only time will tell.

In the meantime

1:12pm 13/12/2013

As some of you may or may not know, I am back on medication to correct the chemical imbalance in my brain.  Whilst I am waiting for them to get to their full effect, my mind is constantly flooded with worrying thoughts...

Worrying thought #45

I am replaceable.  Noone NEEDS me.

Home life:
- I dont have kids that rely on me
- I dont have a partner that 'cant live without me'
- My cat can be adopted out and loved by little ones

Work life:
- I am only an assistant underwriter with minimal experience, therefore someone else out there could easily take my place
- I live in a different state than my boss

Friends:
- Of the small goup of close friends, they have others that are closer
- Of the group of everyday friends, im nothing special

I would just be one less person taking up space in an overpopulated office/city/world...

She's Baack

***warning - this post may cause concern***

It has been almost a year since I have seen a psychologist.  I have been feeling a little down lately so last week I booked in to see a psychologist to talk to someone. I also haven't been excited about the Europe tour I have booked in for which isn't the best since I have spent a little over $5k on it. I knew something wasn't right so thought it best to speak to someone. 

I saw the psych today and let it rip. About 10 mins in I started crying cause I have realised I am all alone in my head. And in my life. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about my issues cause they seem stupid but they aren't stupid in my one of my minds but in another mind I think it's stupid to be worrying about. It's like my head feels one way but my heart feels another. But it's not even my heart that has the issue it's just me. It hurts sometimes to think and I'm constantly thinking. And it's not even coherent thinking its like all over the place and hurts. 

After talking to the psych about how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking of doing and about self harming whilst I'm away in Europe she has recommended getting a referral to see a psychiatrist to assist in monitoring medication as she believes I should be back on something to assist with my head and well-being. 

Sometimes I think I should self harm. But then I think I should go to the hospital and get admitted cause thinking about harming myself is stupid. But then I think about what they would say at work and I try and figure out if I could maybe just be in the hospital at night? Like maybe I would be allowed day leave to attend work then go back to the ward at night to medicate and be watched. But then I think that's stupid cause why would they let me out of the hospital when work is part of the reason I am not feeling well mentally. And then I think about calling an ambulance to pick me up and take me to a hospital but what would that achieve? I would be in the same boat of rocking up to the hospital and admitting myself.  

That can be plan B. If the psychs cant help (psychologist and psychiatrist) then maybe a whole mental health team could help me. And hopefully this time they don't say I just have anger management issues. 

So that's me so far with my mental health.  Well this bout anyway. I have spoken to my mum and let her know I'm not feeling well and she has suggested looking into the insurance policy I have for the tour and maybe checking if there could be a mental health or medical clause in there that will allow me to postpone the tour till another date if my mental well being does not get sorted or under control any time soon.

Talking to the psychologist today has made me feel a lot worse but I think that's just cause I am having to admit to how I am feeling rather than just pretending like I have been the last few months.

Chocolate is my vice

So I'm not supposed to be eating chocolate cause it makes me sick and I'm constantly feeling sick when I eat it but hey I keep eating it cause I have issues. Whatever. 

It just sucks bad cause I wanted to do the comp next year but I keep eating crap food which really isn't good cause it's making me fat and sick and all the bad stuff. I need to become disciplined again by keeping to my meal plans.

Also - for the last week or so I have had every intention of getting up and going for a run in the mornings but it just hasn't happened. Tomorrow - I will do it tomorrow and let blog land know what I've done and how I've gone. We shall see...

It's just all too hard - so I buy chocolate cause I'm feeling bad for myself. Or I buy original Doritos - all salty and corny goodness...

eBay and my shocking purchases

Hi, my name is Terri and I am a shop-a-holic. 

'Hi Terri'

It's been a day since I've purchased anything on eBay and I can't stop. Really. The crap that I buy hasn't stopped me, I seem to just buy more and more. It does come in waves though. 

This recent bout has been all Europe and contiki related. Boots and jumpers and bags etc. 

The jumpers have been the worst. The first one was an oversized / sloppy grey and green and I chose the decent size - it didn't even come close to covering my butt. That one shall be going to the poor people bin! I am known for buying dodgy sizes of clothes from eBay. Most of my stuff doesn't fit!! I really should be learning from my mistakes but alas I don't seem to really take note. The second jumper I have purchased recently was a flame jumper which I thought would be a nice statement piece on tour. Thought maybe a flame jumper would keep me warm psychologically but when I pulled it out of the packaging, it had a satanic symbol on the back. Ok well maybe it wasn't that bad, but it's black cross surrounded by the flames so...wearing it around a catholic country probably isn't the best idea...